To All the Ones I've Loved Before

In case you've been living under a rock for the past year, or like me have an ever growing list of movies and shows to get through (hey, if you do have some recommendations send them my way, I'll get to them), you might not know that 2018 saw Netflix roll out a crap-ton of teen rom-coms. And honestly, who doesn't love a good teen rom-com? All the emotions are ramped up to 11. Everything is life or death. And, I get to relive the glorious trauma and flashbacks of my Senior Prom over and over again. Trust me, seeing flat-assed suburban kids trying to shake it to some Pussycat Dolls is pretty scarring.

One of my favorite 2018 teen movies was: To All the Boys I've Loved Before. You should definitely check it out as well as the book, of the same name. Seriously, stop reading this post now and go read and watch it and then come back.

Okay, good. We're on the same page now. Seriously, it's a cute story. The movie, which I may or may not have already seen like 6 times and will probably see another 6 times before the sequel comes out, has inspired me to talk about my first 5 crushes. Why? Well, I do love embarrassing myself. But also, a huge part of dating is feeling the rush of a crush surging through every nerve-ending in your body. Every new crush brings me right back to high school--except I still retain my good hair and adult fashion, thankfully.

So, grab some churros, strap yourselves in, and let's go through my first crushes that taught me everything about feeling love . . . er like . . . er feels. Yes, names have been changed. Don't google these people, please. Seriously, Janet, put the pen down.

1. Regina

Regina was probably my first crush that I recognized as a crush. Let's take a long stroll back to 5th grade. We find our protagonist, Javiercito, shaggy hair, very chubby, oversized shirts and jean shorts and sporting his older sister's unisex pair of converse. Classy character, I know. Enter Regina. Tall, athletic, brilliant, competitive, witty, brunette, girl. That's right folks, girl. I think up until that point I had maybe had feelings or butterflies in my stomach for other people, both boys and girls, but I didn't really know what it was. If you think conservative families are sitting together talking about love, sex, and rock and roll around the dinner table I have some sad news for you. Up until 5th grade I wasn't savvy in the ways of love and sex and whatnot and still believed that men put their penises in women's belly button's to have sex. I kid you not.

Regina and I were in the same class. She was way out of my league. She would run laps around me in PE and taunt me about it. Which only made me want to try harder. She was wicked smart too. Honestly, if I could boil my emotions down to one feeling it would be intimidation. She intimidated me in every way. Frankly though, I loved that! She pushed me so much harder. The more she intimidated me, the closer I wanted to get to her. To be at her level. She was the person I would look at almost every day in 5th grade. But she didn't like me in that way. At least, I don't think so. Just like any good childhood crush, she moved away. To Georgia, I think, but who knows. Honestly, I owe her so much for pushing me.

Definitely the crush that taught me never to settle.

2. Carter

By the time I got to junior high and high school, I very much knew I had feelings for boys. I don't think at that point I labeled myself as gay, BUT, I knew that my feelings for boys were not the typical feelings other boys had for boys. Enter Carter in 9th grade Biology. Carter was my first real boy crush. He set every part of my body on overdrive. And I mean, EVERY part. 9th grade Biology was both a blessing and a curse with him. He was on the soccer team and boy did his body show it. He was funny, a class clown, and truly the sweetest person you could ever meet. Seeing his aggressive stance on the field was so different than the angelic boy I saw in class. And I did everything to see him.

In fact, when we finally got to pick our own seats in Biology, I made sure to pick a seat where I could ogle him the entire 50-some minutes of second period, I mean where I could get a clear line of sight of the teacher's notes. Being a soccer player, there was one primary thing I focused on: his ass. It was perfect, but duh, he played soccer! I can't say I remember much about what I was taught in biology in 9th grade (thankfully took AP biology in 12th grade as a refresher), but I can tell you I memorized every single pout, smile, perplexed look, and note of his laugh that year.

After Biology, never really saw Carter again except for the occasional soccer game. Definitely glad to say that as the years went on, he was still his super sweet self.

Carter was the crush that taught me that soccer was a sport for everyone!

3. Kenya

A year after I met Carter, I had my next crush. This time, I was the older person in the crush scenario. It is the closest I'll ever get to a student-teacher thing. And no, you sickos, I did not have a crush on a teacher (although getting accidentally flashed my by 8th grade science teacher was definitely a glorious experience). Anyway, due to some scheduling issues, I had to take auto and drop PE to become a TA for my 9th grade Geometry teacher. I was to help him grade homework assignments, collect homework, and record it. It was simple enough and really most of my time was spent writing my suicidal poems (yeah, more on that on another day). However, there was one student that caught my eye: Kenya. Kenya was brazen. Think Hermione Granger, but without the bushy hair. Kenya sat in the back of the class and raised her hand to answer every question. Honestly, I can tell you she was hardly ever wrong. She was also a band geek. She was also a thorn in my side every time I graded homework. She just had to get 100 percent and if she didn't, then I must not have read the master problem set correctly. If I hadn't mastered eye-rolls by then, I sure would have with Kenya.

Despite her constantly breathing down my neck to check on her perfect score (and blaming me for a missing assignment she NEVER turned in), I was smitten. I would spend a few more seconds at her desk when I collected her homework. We would laugh and share band horror stories and I would be the cool 10th grader waving at her, the 9th grader, out on the quad. Okay, I wasn't actually cool, but in my head, maybe I had a chance.

But honestly, as much as I liked Kenya, I didn't get the same huge butterflies as I did with Carter and Regina. Maybe it was because she was younger, or maybe it was because she was actually a student of mine as I worked to grade her homework. Whatever the case, it wasn't long before spring break that my crush on Kenya had turned into nothing but a memory. But even without the crush, I still loved looking at her and catching the lightning dart across her eyes seconds before she shot her hand in the air to solve the proof posed by the teacher.

Kenya taught me that student-teacher relationships were meant for fictionpress stories and not real life.

4. Billy

By 11th grade, I had kind of worked within myself to figure I was probably gay. Like I was pregnancy test positive that I was gay. But, as I learned in statistics, there were still some tests that were false positives. Don't worry folks, I'm pretty sure now my assessment was accurate. Also by 11th grade, going home after school and logging on to the internet to chat with people on AIM, MSN, and the GYC, was a ritual as consistent as brushing my teeth. Actually more so than brushing my teeth. Don't talk to my dentist, please.

The GYC is where I got to chat with so many other gay and bisexual teens and young adults. It was amazing to find other people just like me. It was like realizing for the first time that I wasn't born with a second head on my shoulders. It was possible that I was actually normal. Through my conversations I made my first online crush, Billy. Billy was super sweet and he listened to everything. Because it was the internet, in 2006, I never knew what Billy looked like. I don't think we ever exchanged pictures. However, everyday after school Billy was there. Waiting just for me. And we would chat for  hours upon hours that is, as long as my parents didn't need to cut the DSL connection. We talked about everything: our hopes, dreams, my stories and poems, my terrible family situation, and my desire to find someone who would be there for me because I felt so many people weren't.

Billy filled the greatest void in my life. However, as high school got busier and I got more involved in our school's step team, my time with Billy was shorter and more sporadic. I still remember his last words "Man, u make me laugh like no other, let me know how ur hand-clap practice thing goes. ROFL I'll see ya tmw :D"

He never did log-in after that. Billy taught me that in life, I really just want to know that someone is there to listen to me.

5. David

Oh, David. He was by far my fastest crush to build. If you guys remember my moobtube part 2 story, you'll remember that fuckboi Sam got jealous because I met a guy at a dance competition that I really liked. That was David. He was a dancer. with a treasure trail! That was home-schooled and who's dance partner was his sister. Yeah, he wasn't not weird, don't get me wrong. Meeting David was like watching the first spark set the tinder of a campfire ablaze. Being in the prep room with him and him peppering us with tons of questions made my heart race. He was a ball of energy and his focus was all on me. Like I just wanted to chat with him non-stop that night and not even go out and perform with my team. Yeah, hadn't learned the bros before hoes lesson quite yet, sorry.

Unfortunately, I was not the only one that wanted him. So, too, did my friend Erica. And she swears that he was totally straight and she was going to go after him. And so as we warmed up outside of the school for our performance and David watched us and cheered us on, I knew I had to talk to him one last time. So right before we were gonna go on stage, I walked over to him and asked him what he thought. He was jazzed. He loved our routine. And as he was explaining things, guess who comes along to join? Yeah, Janet, it was Erica. So now we're both hovering over David who then decides to bust out the complete routine, barefoot, of one of the dances from High School Musical 2. I believe it was Work This Out. Don't worry Erica and I were both HSM fans back then so we knew exactly what he was doing. That's when I knew, in that moment, that I had found a real life gay boy. I was gonna take my chance and ask him for his contact information, but just as I was about to speak, we were called on stage. I never got to talk to him.

We performed and then sat around and waited for the dancers to take the stage. I sat front row and got to see David perform his dance routine. He was fantastic and I don't think that I blinked nor breathed during the entire routine. You best believe I gave him a the biggest standing ovation when he was done. As soon as all the performances were done we were rushed back to the cars and driven home. I didn't get his number. I never spoke to him again. He was home schooled. We were visiting from a different high school. He was the one that got away and for weeks I blamed Erica.

But, in a moment of hope, we were performing at another dance show about a month or so after I had felt my body burst into the flames of a California summer brush fire. This time we performed on our high school's campus. As we were getting in line to take the stage, in the half-lit gymnasium, this shaggy haired guy came up to me quickly. He gripped my hand briefly, but tightly. He smiled and said "hey, good luck out there." I knew, even if I could barely see him, that it was David. I was about to say sorry for running off and not getting his number, but as I was about to open my mouth, my teammate from behind pushed me forward. I was holding us up and I was third in line. David let go of my hand, smiled, laughed, waved, and walked back into the shadows never to be seen again. I performed my hardest when I got on that stage hoping that David would see and be just as impressed with me as I was watching him dance.

If anything David taught me the biggest lessons: go for what you want because you never know when another opportunity is going to come to tell someone you care for them. He also taught me that Erica has terrible gaydar and that I should always trust my instincts on who's gay or not.

I've had many more crushes, but these 5 hold a special place in my heart. Sure, I'm still looking for my own Peter K., but honestly Regina, Carter, Kenya, Billy, and David proved to me that my Peter K. is out there. Now, I just have to wait for him to realize it as well, OR get some spicy drama in my life and have one of my old crushes come back into my life ala John Ambrose.

Oh, one can only dream.

Guess I better get back on that dating app grind and I sure as hell know know what I'm watching tonight as I like, swipe, and DM.

The Journey Continues!
Javi