Feelings

So, this post is going to be a little different. Don't worry, I have plenty of dating stories still left to share with you guys. I also have some other issue posts to write including topics like bi-erasure. Trust me, this journey is very much just getting started and there are plenty of stops along the way.

See, in this post I decided to get a little bit more personal with you guys with how I've been feeling lately. I figure if I'm going to blog and share my journey that I should share as much of my journey that I feel will resonate with my readers. I think story telling is the best way to connect with humans. Like my last post stated, this journey of being human is about getting to feel every emotion and I think we can best do it by storytelling. And, by sharing I hope that people out there go from feeling alone to feeling connected--even if it means embarrassing myself in the process. Trust me, after ripping your pants or shorts in front of people on a few occasions, embarrassment stops being a thing.

But along with my journey comes not so great things. And not so great feelings. I recently saw a YouTuber do a Q&A and she was asked about being happy. She ultimately responded with being happy isn't a destination. It's not like okay, I'm happy. Let's move on to the next thing. Being happy, and allowing yourself to be happy, are daily challenges. Some days are easier than others. And that's a lesson that I still have to learn.

For the past few weeks, I've had very tough days being happy. If I'm being honest, I've basically been faking being happy for like a month. It's nothing new for me. I've done it before. This time it's different because I'm aware of what I'm doing. I have a post to write that will explain a lot of this, but the Casper blogs were perfectly timed for another ghosting incident in March. While I'm not new to being ghosted, this one was different. It was different because I let myself be vulnerable. If you ask anyone, me being vulnerable is not something I allow myself to do. And that discussion is left for another post altogether. However, with this guy I did. And if I'm being honest, I liked being vulnerable. If I'm being even more honest, I have hated life every day after just stopping communication with this person because somehow I feel I will never share this experience with someone again.

And if I'm being really honest, I simply feel like life would be better just going through the motions. It sometimes feels like I magically have to fix everyone's life, but no one is there to fix mine. I mean, I love my job, my career, and my friends and family. I wouldn't change my situation for anything in the world. However, days like this make me feel like the only purpose I have in the world is to fix everyone's problems while mine just get pushed to the side. I mean I've had to solve family problems since I was like 12. I'm a family law attorney so I am constantly dealing with people's drama and issues and having to provide a solution. And it's not that I simply provide a solution to people's problems, but I am expected to. And I often do it because it means that I have purpose. I have value. And when you've spent years being left behind, that feeling of purpose means the world to you.

But this situation was different. I felt happy. Legitimately happy. It wasn't like I was waiting for the shoe to drop where I had to solve some problem or go out of my way to make him happy. We just fit. I felt like I had found someone who was willing to listen to my problems. Who cared about my problems. Who cared about me. I've had boyfriends and I've had many dates and I've had many hookups. I will tell you it sometimes just feels like I am barely enough for any guy to like and sure as hell not enough for someone to love. But this was different. It felt like I was worthy of being loved. I didn't feel fat, or ugly, or unwanted, or fetishized, or like I was the last person that he wanted to talk to. And when I told him that I felt like that, he quickly reminded me otherwise. I felt loved. I felt listened to. I felt like I finally had earned the right to be happy. It felt great. And then it got taken away and I will never know why. And now I have days where I feel that I will never have that feeling again. Like I am unworthy of feeling that love again. Why? Because 27 years of having to fix people's problems on a daily basis and just now finding someone who cared to fix mine doesn't foster a lot of hope.

But, before you start worrying about me. I'm fine. I know what you're saying. Javi, after that last paragraph how can you possibly say things are fine. You're right. Life is a little hard right now, but I'm not defeated. I just feel a little lost. But writing helps me. Sharing my story helps me. And I know that what I'm feeling now will pass. I am working on expressing my pain. And it's by hanging out with the friends I love. By cooking again. By working out. By writing and connecting with strangers across the globe. And unlike past feelings of sadness or depression, I know that this will pass. That I am much more than just these feelings. I just need to process these feelings and work through them. And I know that a journey of happiness will follow. If one thing that living in Seattle has taught me is that after the storm, the clouds will part and the world around me will be more beautiful than before.

The Journey Continues!
Javi