Moobtube Part 1
This is the story of my first time. Well, my first time getting attention from a guy. We don't have the time to be breaking down my first time with a guy. Or, maybe we do. My post would probably last longer than my first time.
I was 14 the first time a guy noticed me in a sexual way. I wasn't the popular kid growing up. However, when living in Conservative White Suburbia, USA, it's hard to be the popular kid when you're brown, fat, and poor. To top it off, I was nerdy. So, growing up I didn't have a lot of friends and I had some bullies. But didn't everyone?
Anyway, I didn't know I was gay for a while. Probably not until I was 13 or 14 and I KNEW what the word gay meant. I did know for a while that I was different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt it. By the time I started high school, I knew I liked guys.* However, since I lived in Conservative White Suburbia, USA, I wasn't about to come out to people at the tender age of 14.
For most of my grade school years I either walked home or took the bus. Freshman year of high school, I upgraded from Ms. Frizzle to city buses (side note: 12 years later and I still haven't upgraded since then). That year I rode the bus with two friends, Rachel and Sam. Now, friends is a pretty loose term in this regard. Sam and I went to the same elementary school and Rachel and Sam met in Jr. High. We were more just friendly to each other since we knew each other and grabbed the bus together. We all had our own friends groups at school.
So, Sam and I would usually grab a seat together and Rachel would sit in front of us. It was never planned, that's just how it always happened.To be completely honest with y'all, I did not find Sam attractive. He just wasn't on my radar. Sam was your nerdy, artistic, socially awkward kid who would laugh at his own jokes and wear the same three shirts and cargo shorts every week. I won't say that I dressed that much better, but I at least didn't wear cargo shorts.
At this point, we had ridden the bus for about a year now. We had our routine. Every thing changed...when the fire nation attacked...I mean when Sam gave me a folded paper. Sam whispered that I shouldn't open it until I got home. That was odd. Sam wasn't one for secrets. I grabbed the paper and stashed it into my JanSport. The entire bus ride, Sam and Rachel talked and laughed. All I cared about was that damn paper.
I hopped off the bus and made it to corner. As soon as the bus took off, I unzipped my backpack and pulled out the paper. When was I going to read it? More importantly, what was in it? I wasn't trusted that often with secrets, but that could be because I never had friends that would want to confide in me. I looked up and down the street and decided to jaywalk. I didn't have time to wait for the little white man to appear to tell me to go! My heart pulsed faster the closer I got to my house. My hands were trembling. I finally was a few feet from my front door when my curiosity couldn't take it any more. I carefully unfolded the paper and found a one page letter.
I wish I could tell you that I remembered every detail of that letter, but I don't. The reason I don't was because it was so shocking. I read it once. I couldn't believe it. I read it twice. I still just couldn't grasp the concept. I read it a third time. Then it hit me. Sam liked me. Sam went on and on about how he liked sitting next to me on the bus and how we were really good friends. He felt he could trust me. Then the letter took a turn. He started describing my body and how I looked.
This is when I first became aware of how people can look at your body in a sexual way. He described every curve and lump I had. What he thought was attractive, I had never noticed about myself, or worse, I hated about myself. I scanned the page and then my eyes fell on the sentences that burned it's way deep into my memory. "I really like your moobs. I love that I can see your moobs through your shirts." Moobs. I looked down at my grey shirt. Yep there they were. Moobs. Who used that word anyway? My hands shook more. Was I shocked? Angry? I don't know. I scanned the page over and over again. And then finally when I had temporarily memorized every word, I flipped the page over. There scrawled on the bottom left hand corner in blue ink were two words "just kidding."
He was kidding? This was all some joke to Sam? It couldn't be.There was too much detail in this letter to be a joke, but nevertheless he said it. He was kidding. I pictured us sitting on the bus again. Him professing his obsession of me and then ending it with "just kidding." I was livid. I ripped the letter a part. I grabbed the crumpled pieces and threw the paper into the trashcan in our garage.
How could he do that? I thought we were friendly with each other. This was some joke. I ran into my house and focused on my homework. I didn't go on AIM or MSN Messenger that afternoon like I normally did. I also decided to wait around and take a later bus than I normally did. I never wanted to see Sam again.
After a week or so, I finally felt comfortable enough to go back to my routine. When I first got onto the bus, I saw only Rachel. Her smile stretched across her face when she saw me. She said that Sam and I had disappeared for a week and that riding the bus had gotten lonely. Huh, so Sam had ditched, too. Rachel went on and on as if nothing had happened. I looked around the bus. No sign of Sam.
I never saw Sam again on the bus after that. I did see him at school, but we never talked about it. Hell, we never talked at all. That is until Senior year...
The Journey Continues!
Javi
*Side note: 9th grade Honors Bio there was this totally hot soccer player and yes I moved my seat so I could get a better view of him, I mean I changed my seat so that I could get a better view of the screen to take notes.
I was 14 the first time a guy noticed me in a sexual way. I wasn't the popular kid growing up. However, when living in Conservative White Suburbia, USA, it's hard to be the popular kid when you're brown, fat, and poor. To top it off, I was nerdy. So, growing up I didn't have a lot of friends and I had some bullies. But didn't everyone?
Anyway, I didn't know I was gay for a while. Probably not until I was 13 or 14 and I KNEW what the word gay meant. I did know for a while that I was different. I couldn't put my finger on it, but I felt it. By the time I started high school, I knew I liked guys.* However, since I lived in Conservative White Suburbia, USA, I wasn't about to come out to people at the tender age of 14.
For most of my grade school years I either walked home or took the bus. Freshman year of high school, I upgraded from Ms. Frizzle to city buses (side note: 12 years later and I still haven't upgraded since then). That year I rode the bus with two friends, Rachel and Sam. Now, friends is a pretty loose term in this regard. Sam and I went to the same elementary school and Rachel and Sam met in Jr. High. We were more just friendly to each other since we knew each other and grabbed the bus together. We all had our own friends groups at school.
So, Sam and I would usually grab a seat together and Rachel would sit in front of us. It was never planned, that's just how it always happened.To be completely honest with y'all, I did not find Sam attractive. He just wasn't on my radar. Sam was your nerdy, artistic, socially awkward kid who would laugh at his own jokes and wear the same three shirts and cargo shorts every week. I won't say that I dressed that much better, but I at least didn't wear cargo shorts.
At this point, we had ridden the bus for about a year now. We had our routine. Every thing changed...when the fire nation attacked...I mean when Sam gave me a folded paper. Sam whispered that I shouldn't open it until I got home. That was odd. Sam wasn't one for secrets. I grabbed the paper and stashed it into my JanSport. The entire bus ride, Sam and Rachel talked and laughed. All I cared about was that damn paper.
I hopped off the bus and made it to corner. As soon as the bus took off, I unzipped my backpack and pulled out the paper. When was I going to read it? More importantly, what was in it? I wasn't trusted that often with secrets, but that could be because I never had friends that would want to confide in me. I looked up and down the street and decided to jaywalk. I didn't have time to wait for the little white man to appear to tell me to go! My heart pulsed faster the closer I got to my house. My hands were trembling. I finally was a few feet from my front door when my curiosity couldn't take it any more. I carefully unfolded the paper and found a one page letter.
I wish I could tell you that I remembered every detail of that letter, but I don't. The reason I don't was because it was so shocking. I read it once. I couldn't believe it. I read it twice. I still just couldn't grasp the concept. I read it a third time. Then it hit me. Sam liked me. Sam went on and on about how he liked sitting next to me on the bus and how we were really good friends. He felt he could trust me. Then the letter took a turn. He started describing my body and how I looked.
This is when I first became aware of how people can look at your body in a sexual way. He described every curve and lump I had. What he thought was attractive, I had never noticed about myself, or worse, I hated about myself. I scanned the page and then my eyes fell on the sentences that burned it's way deep into my memory. "I really like your moobs. I love that I can see your moobs through your shirts." Moobs. I looked down at my grey shirt. Yep there they were. Moobs. Who used that word anyway? My hands shook more. Was I shocked? Angry? I don't know. I scanned the page over and over again. And then finally when I had temporarily memorized every word, I flipped the page over. There scrawled on the bottom left hand corner in blue ink were two words "just kidding."
He was kidding? This was all some joke to Sam? It couldn't be.There was too much detail in this letter to be a joke, but nevertheless he said it. He was kidding. I pictured us sitting on the bus again. Him professing his obsession of me and then ending it with "just kidding." I was livid. I ripped the letter a part. I grabbed the crumpled pieces and threw the paper into the trashcan in our garage.
How could he do that? I thought we were friendly with each other. This was some joke. I ran into my house and focused on my homework. I didn't go on AIM or MSN Messenger that afternoon like I normally did. I also decided to wait around and take a later bus than I normally did. I never wanted to see Sam again.
After a week or so, I finally felt comfortable enough to go back to my routine. When I first got onto the bus, I saw only Rachel. Her smile stretched across her face when she saw me. She said that Sam and I had disappeared for a week and that riding the bus had gotten lonely. Huh, so Sam had ditched, too. Rachel went on and on as if nothing had happened. I looked around the bus. No sign of Sam.
I never saw Sam again on the bus after that. I did see him at school, but we never talked about it. Hell, we never talked at all. That is until Senior year...
The Journey Continues!
Javi
*Side note: 9th grade Honors Bio there was this totally hot soccer player and yes I moved my seat so I could get a better view of him, I mean I changed my seat so that I could get a better view of the screen to take notes.
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